Anonymity = Honesty
I’m mad.
No, scratch that. I’m bitter. I’m furious. I’m Hell on Wheels when I think about the state of my life. I have a smile that prevents others from seeing it. I self-censor myself every second of every day to keep anyone from hearing it. But when I’m alone, and it’s just me and my truth, it’s a fact that can’t be denied.
I started this blog because I had things I wanted to say and no where to say them safely, without having to be careful what I said. And boy, did I. I said whatever I wanted, yet never felt any better. That’s when I stopped writing and began coming to terms with the one truth that has been constant in my life:
I am not happy, and I never have been, and fear that I never will be.
After having gastric bypass surgery (which, btw, I did NOT think would fix my life), and successfully losing 150 pounds, I’ve gained back 60, which has me teetering outside of the 300 pound mark. For those trying to do the math, my lowest weight was about 215, then 225, and now I am at 285. And I finally had to ask myself why. I know the answers, however. It’s the drinking, and the overeating, and everything I do to medicate myself because the truth of my life… that I am not happy… feels as if it’s going to swallow me whole.
I’ve decided to try and work on me, on my getting fat again, and this blog is going to be a huge part of that. I’m going to try anytime I get an emotion that makes me want to eat and zone out to come here and type about it. Even if no one reads it, maybe that will help. Guess I should find an application for my phone eh? 
I’m going to be working against years of conditioning that makes me eat whenever I feel anything unpleasant, but I’m going to REALLY try and not do that. Even when I do, I’m still going to be honest about what I’m feeling. It’s the only way I’m ever going to stop living as a ghost of myself.
I feel like I’m waking up. Dieting and better eating programs aren’t going to help me, my problem is bigger than what I’m putting in my mouth, and if I don’t get to the root cause of it, I’ll keep gaining weight and I really don’t want that.
Wish me luck?
